Saturday 18 November 2017

Friends


Do you have a circle of friends you can call on for support, a laugh or a glass of wine?  Or maybe you have a best friend who has been with you through thick and thin since school days.  Then you're lucky, very lucky.  I have neither.  I started this post over a week ago and waited to see if I felt any better for writing it (I may delete it in the end) But then I read Frugal in Norfolk's post this morning and realised I'm not alone.  So here goes.

Let's back up a bit.  I hated secondary school.  For lots of reasons it wasn't a happy experience.  I had a few friends but when I left I only kept in touch with 2 of them.  After a short while only M and I stayed in touch (phone and letter as it was pre computers!)  She was training to be a nurse and I was doing my teacher training. We went to each other's weddings but I had my children very early and we lost touch beyond the annual Christmas card.  TBH I don't think she liked my ex. Then Facebook happened and we stayed in touch that way.  A few years ago without any warning she took herself off (I think she had some online hassles) and we've lost touch 😔 She has my address here but I don't have her current one.  So for the last 3 years I've been waiting for her to contact me.

Pre divorce I thought I had a wide circle of friends.  We moved around the country a bit with the ex's job but I worked hard on staying in touch with people. Some of them were very good friends.  We went on holiday with some of them.  We even helped some of them financially (that's a whole other story!) Our house was the social hub for the ultra running community.  I've lost count of how many dinners/weekends/bbqs/parties I hosted and catered.  When we split people were sympathetic and I continued to get invited to a few events that didn't include my ex as most people were shocked by his behaviour.  A few friends even refused to speak to him.

Until one day a good friend invited me to dinner with the words "We've invited your ex and his partner as well so can you all sort out between you who comes?"  I didn't go partly because I didn't want any public confrontation but I was also very hurt. Then most invitations were issued along the same lines and someone actually told me I "should be over it by now."  Yeah, being left after 24 years of marriage for someone in our friends circle and her putting it all over Facebook was easy to get over in a few months!  The final straw was being told that "I don't like your ex or what he's done but we have to be friends with him because of who he is."

It would be easy to say they weren't real friends anyway.  But in the aftermath of the initial split some of these friends were on the end of a phone in the middle of the night.  Some drove miles to hold my hand and cry with me when I needed it.  I thought that was real friendship. 

But they're not here now.  Once I sorted my new life out they practically disappeared despite my repeated efforts to stay in touch.  I get an occasional comment on my FB posts but nothing in person.  There's only so many times you can suggest coffee/lunch/dinner without them confirming a date.

It's hard making new friends when you're older.  I had great work colleagues in my previous school and we socialised but again they're not really in touch.  My current colleagues are lovely and we've socialised a few times so I do have a bit of a social life beyond OH.  But we're all at a different stage in life so work is all we have in common.

I spend a lot of time on my own.  I'm an empty nester with a partner who still has his own house with a dependent child.  I know where we're heading but it's still a few years away *sighs*  I'm content with my own company and I'm never bored.  I'm blessed in so many ways and don't want to be moany about it.  But it would be nice to have someone remember I'm still here and suggest we get together for something.  Anything...

22 comments:

  1. Your words convey so many of our lives, friends left behind carry on their lives and expect us to move on. We moved seven years ago, and great neighbours and friends carried on with thier life with out us.

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    1. Yes, that's exactly how it feels! Very hurtful

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  2. I'm sorry...I've lost several people to death in the last few years who were not elderly and haven't found new friends or the level of closeness so I understand your situation...Perhaps you should do the asking of a new person rather than trying to contact friends from your previous life...Pen friends and blogger buddies have filled some of the gaps for me but face to face friends are also important. Best to you.

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    1. I think you're right. Maybe I should forgot old friends and try harder with new ones. It's not easy though

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  3. Things change for people...if they have children and grandchildren their time gets taken up in different ways. I don't think all people consciously mean to stop being someone's friend...I have however had a bad experience...of someone who picked me up and used my friendship then discarded me when she'd done. I'm a stronger person for it. But annoyed that I agreed to a her terms friendship...as in a you do all the running to me and I get to choose what we do kind of way. Remember also it's quality over quantity. x

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    1. That's awful! I agree that most people don't seem to deliberately stop being my friend. Still sucks

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  4. Sorry to hear this Ali. You are missed at Home and Hearth, please come back, I am another one who does all the chasing, I wonder what it is in my personality that stops people warming to me and wanting my company.

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    1. Sometimes I wonder that too. Looking back most people were happy for me to do the entertaining and come to my home but it was never reciprocated.

      Thanks for the H&H reminder xxx

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  5. After reading this from you, Ali, and Frugal in Norfolk's post along similar lines the other day, and all the comments, it seems like we've all had 'those' kind of friends and family. I think it's more about them than it is about us - as in, it reflects who they are, it's not really down to faults in us. True friends are with us through thick and thin, we may rub each other up the wrong way now and then but, if we're true friends, we can brush it off or sort it out gently. True friendship should be an equal thing - you both put in the same amount of effort. If it's all or mostly one-sided, then I don't see how it can work really. It's good you have a lovely OH, Ali. I'm blessed to have had mine for 35 years.

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    1. I am so lucky to have found my OH. I don't want to be greedy in asking for even more with my friendships

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  6. Your question really made me think. The people I confide in, talk to most, and go to for help are all internet friends, whether through blogging or a forum I used to use. In terms of people to phone or nip round for a glass of wine, no I don't have that, but I do know that if I needed to chat someone from the charity shop would listen, so all in all I think I'm pretty lucky as I do have people, just not in the traditional sense.

    It's not really a surprise I don't have a ton of friends from way back when as I was an absolute nightmare when I was a teenager/ young adult. I don't blame anyone for moving away from me. Some friendships have a season and when we're the one letting go it's easier than the one being left I think.

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    1. Someone once told me people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime :-)

      I've only ever deliberately let go one friendship. Someone who endlessly talked/moaned about her own life and always tried to one up me. I still feel guilty about it and sometimes think I should get back in touch!

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  7. My BFF is my husband but we don't spend every moment together and have some separate and joint interests. I have no real friends leftover from my youth as I moved about with my Dad's job. Teaching causes very intense friendships to be made and discarded as we move schools/ get promotion. I have made some friends who came for a reason and are gone, friends who suck the life out of me when they want something etc. Sadly, we have no grandchildren so of course I'm excluded from " the best club in the world" . I realised two years ago when I was very unwell, that the best friend I could have was ME! I do lots of voluntary work, have a small group of FB "friends" but after my illness, I culled people who claimed to be friends as I told myself they didn't deserve me. I think you'll realise from all the other comments that you are not alone, Ali, and hopefully your online friends will give you support when you need it. Feel free to contact me at any time by email-we actually only live anout 30 miles apart and it would be good to meet in person if you wished. Take care. Catriona

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    1. You are so right about the intense friendships within school. Strange how they get discarded so quickly.

      I think we should definitely meet in person! :-)

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  8. Hugs. Well said. I know many people in my area but no longer classify any as friends. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I think this is a wider problem than I realised. Keep sharing everyone :-)

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  9. Nice to know I am not alone! Thanks for sharing. Totally agree.

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    1. Thanks for adding your voice to this conversation. We are not alone!

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  10. One thing that has sifted out my 'friends' is my cancer diagnosis! I had a friend from my earliest childhood - we lived close to one another and played together then lost touch when we went to different secondary schools, but along came Friends Reunited and she got back in touch and we stayed in touch for a few years then she got divorced and didn't give me her new address so we lost touch again however a few years later she was working in a local shop and I came across her again and we met for coffee and then it became lunch every few weeks and her daughter emmigrated at about the same time as my son so we had a lot in common again. However, when we met for the first time after my diagnosis she was duly horrified for me and that was the last I saw or heard of her! She sent me a text quite a few months later to say sorry she hadnt been in touch but she'd been a bit busy! She's moved house too so I no longer have her address, so even a Christmas card will be imposible this year. Not that I feel like sending her one I have to say! Another friend from school has put off meeting me now for so long that I don't feel inclined to try any longer. However on the other hand two other old school pals have been amazing. One travelled from Kent to visit me while I was undergoing Chemo and the other visited from Manchester and both have kept in regular touch. I don't have many friends either. I've got one very good friend I met in the past 10 years as we played badminton in a group and we gravitated to each other and neither of us play badminton now but we've remained firm friends. One other friend I've met only recently was from my art class at the university (the oldies classes!) I too spend a lot of time on my own while hubby is at work but I have millions of hobbies (some would say too many!) Also my daughter is a good friend now but there are some things you just can't talk about to a daughter lol. I think loneliness is a biggie in these days of internet 'friendships'. It does get harder to meet people in real life but it is possible. I think you should enjoy your new work colleagues and not put too much pressure on yourself to make 'friends' as such. They may all go their own way when you leave but by then your own life will have taken some turns of its own and you might find a whole new place to make some friends. I too live relatively near to you so perhaps we can meet up sometime in the new year when the seasonal madness dies down! We might hate each other but its worth a try!! lol.

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    1. How awful that your friends couldn't support you when you really needed it. Sadly I have heard of this before.

      I think we should definitely meet up. I doubt we'd hate each other, we have much in common :-)

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  11. I have always found that if someone really wants to make a date with you, you get your diaries out and do it there and then. My absolute pet hate is those people/family members who do that we must get together thing, when I know full well it will never happen... People never cease to amaze me when it comes to tolerating bad behavior - they are cowards. I had a fall out with one of my cousins over her accepting that a friend of ours had gone off with another friends husband. ( I still secretly harbor a wish that she would come after my cousins partner - see how she would like that!)

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    1. I'm currently waiting for a friend to get back to me (again!) after I suggested several dates to get together over Christmas *sighs*

      Lol @ your secret wish!! ;-)

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